Chapter
14: TALKING SPORT
That's
very much like cricket, with the unpredictable happening occasionally.
- Max Walker,
Channel 9 cricket commentator (1990s).
… past
umpire Bucknor, his trousers filled with wind.
- ABC cricket
caller Jonathon Agnew comment as Jason Gillespie was bowling with the ‘Freemantle
Doctor' [term for the local sea-breeze] at his back during the third cricket
test between Australia and England (2002).
Thank God,
we've got a chance, Christ is at the crease.
- A spectator
remark when Australia was 5 for 17 against England in a Women's Cricket Test
in 1957/58. The batter's surname was Christ.
The pentathlon!
What are the seven sports?
- Sports interviewer,
Paul ‘Fatty' Vautin (2001) adding some extra events.
If the team gets its bum kicked, it's on my head.
-
Tasmanian and Australian cricketer, David ‘Boonie' Boon (1990s).
H.G.
Nelson. And now we have one of the Excitement
Machines, Nicolai Benjalov, and have a look at this guy's head, it says
it all, ‘I'm here, I'm proud enough to wear a mullet and if I can just keep
the bar above the mullet I think I'll be doing pretty bloody well.'
Roy
Slaven: He's got a beautiful technique,
H.G.
H.G.
Look at that measured …
Roy
:
And he really get to know his weights, doesn't he?
H.G.
He loves his bar.
Roy
:
He forms a relationship with his bar, he's meticulous.
H.G
. 155 kgs on the bar.
Roy
:
He knows every millimetre of that bar. He's a bar man.
H.G.
Here he comes. Look at that. There it
goes, straight above mullet. And look at that mullet there, you could rest
the bar on the mullet and it wouldn't dent it.
- Roy and
H.G. 'commentating' at the 2000 Sydney Olympics. As they often do they 'push
the limits' with their irreverent comments. Here they focus on the 'mullet'
hairstlye of a competitor - all in good fun.
Billy
Birmingham as Richie Benaud: … and they've
been treated to an absolutely masterful display of skilful batting by the
Australians, 3 for 560 after their 50 overs, a marvellous effort that, easily
the best I've seen from them this summer, and it was an innings played under
extremely difficult conditions too. Just before the commencement of play this
morning, Tony Greig jammed another bunch of those @#%& keys of his into
the pitch, and once again, he hasn't been able to get the @#%& things
out. This will be the fourth time I've had to drive him home this summer,
and I can tell you I'm getting pretty pissed off. This bloody obsession Tony
has for sticking things into the wicket is really getting out of hand. As
a matter of fact, earlier this season he borrowed a magnificent gold and onyx
fountain pen of mine and to this day it remains buried some six or eight inches
somewhere under this @#%& pitch, and now here today, we've seen the Australian
batsmen having to contend with Tony's bloody car keys sticking out of the
turf just in front of the popping crease down at the Member's stand.
-
Comedian Billy Birmingham has become well known for his 'send-ups' of Australian
cricket commentators and players. He has said, "There are two great
Australian pastimes: watching sport and taking the pisss, and I stumbled
across the magic combination of putting them together." (2002)
A young wife of a Carlton
great, chagrined by Barassi's policy [coach Barassi did not approve of sex
before a game], staged a magnificient, if totally irresponsible, offensive
operation on the Saturday morning of the Grand Final by serving her husband
breakfast in bed completely naked, a rose between her teeth. The tray of
food hit the ceiling. ‘He made his way to the car as red as a beetroot,'
she recalled. ‘So weak he could hardly carry his Gladstone bag. He played
like a dog.'
- Brent
Crosswell, 'Sex Before the Game,' in The Age (Melbourne) 1986.
The VFL Grand Final match referred to was in 1969.
In the
back of Hughes' mind must be the thought he will dance down the piss and mitch
one.
- Cricket
commentator, Toy Greig obviously meant to suggest the Australian captain Hughes
hoped the batsman would "dance down the pitch and miss one." In another
match he noted that, “This wicket will provide plenty of up and down bounce.”
Once again
we find ourselves with a good kick up the backside. Maybe it's the shot in the
arm we need to get back into one-day cricket.
-
Australian cricket captain, Alan Border (1990s).
I have to cop it on the chin.
- St. George
Illawarra's Trent Barrett was slapped on the face by coach Nathan Brown who
was emphasising a point during the team's loss to Manly (2003).
I love
violence and I know football players love violence. The public love violence
and I think there's an absolute relationship between the satisfaction and enjoyment
of a community and the amount of violence that happens on its football ovals.
I remember years ago being in a dressing room with Jack Dyer. Jack got out his
wedding tackle, his big flute and he put it on the bench and he said, “Roy,
get that bat over there and give this a whack,” and I did and he said, “Thanks,
buddy I love you for it,” and went out and had a game. And I rest my case, he
loved it, I loved doing it, everyone in there who saw it said, “Roy, Jack, brilliant,
loved it, why can't you do it out there” and the reason we can't do it out on
the oval is because it's illegal. But if you made it legal, blokes could get
out their gear; whack it on top of the hoardings and have the public go wallop,
wallop, wallop. You'd have people leaving at the end of the day with a jaunty
hop to their gait because they'd seen a little bit of absolute, dead-set, genuine,
beautiful, male, bloke, violence.
- Part of
comments by Roy Slaven on violence and its ‘need' in sport (1994).
I
owe a lot to my parents—especially my mum and dad.
-
Golfer Greg Norman in stating the obvious.
He's usually
a good puller, but he couldn't get it up that time.
- Cricket
commentator, Richie Benaud, in a comment on batsmen's shot. About a player's
fielding position he observed, “Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner
of the circle.”
It has
taken me eight years to become an overnight sensation.
- Rugby league
player, Mark Soden, on his career (2000).
Lleyton
Hewitt ... his two biggest strengths are his legs, his speed, his agility and
his competitiveness.
- Pat Cash,
former Wimbledon winner on world number one Lleyton Hewitt (2002).
Things
aren't the same now there are five teams in the four.
I
want you to pair off in threes (to the Richmond
players).
I hate
Collingwood so much I won't even watch a black-and-white movie.
A champion
team will always beat a team of champions, unless the team of champions is
very, very good.
He's
a good ordinary footballer (on Carlton 's
Peter Bosustow).
He sets
himself for a high mark – actually, that was a low high mark.
There
weren't too many best mans on the ground.
Mark Lee's long arms reaching up like giant testicles.
He's
going where the ball ain't.
- ‘Jack Dyer-isms,'
by former Australian Football player and commentator Jack ‘Captain Blood' Dyer.
Just a
good meal, a few beers and straight into the farter [toilet].
- Queensland
cricketer Jim Maher in response to a question about his preparation for the
Australian Cricket final (2000). After Queensland won the Sheffield Shield in
1996-97 he grabbed a flight steward's microphone on the way back to Brisbane
from Perth and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, place
your trays in the upright position. Queensland has won the Sheffield Shield."
Tim Brasher
actually fell over in front of Tony Smith. He's hit every limb, Rabs [Ray Warren]
- all five of ‘em came out and he's brought down Tony Smith...
- Paul ‘Fatty'
Vautin commentating during the Rugby League World Cup Final at Wembley 1995.
Tim Brasher of Australia made an ‘ungainly' tackle of England player Tony Smith.
Get off
the ground Martyn, you're scaring the kids.
- Crowd comment
directed to Australian Football player Mick Martyn about his physical appearance
(1997).
Now then,
can anybody lend me an opener.
- English
cricketer Maurice Leyland during the 1932 ‘bodyline' tour in winning the crowd
over after a bottle of beer was thrown at him while he was fielding.
Round the
corner at short leg there's Harvey, in an unusual position for him. He is low
to the ground, head down, arms akimbo, legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.
- Radio commentator
Brian Johnston with an inadvertent remark during a cricket test match in 1961.
He was describing how the fielder was waiting for a catch.
[Ian] Baker-Finch
now thinks par is what you call your grandfather.
- Patrick
Smith in comment on the form slump of former British Open champion, Ian Baker-Finch.
He's wide
between the eyes; he's got a bright outlook; he's an honest type and he works
like he looks. He gives his best—his legs are as sound as a bell.
- Horse trainer
Bart Cummings in ‘describing' Leon Corsten, his long serving foreman.
Six weeks
prior to the race I was really flying. At this point my fiancee turned up to
train with me. Three weeks later I was rooted.
- Triathlete
Gary Welch in an unintended remark.
In this
timeless land, they've been counting the days.
-
TV reporter when the Olympic flame landed at Uluru in Central Australia, 2000.
It was
different when I played. The coaches then would be screaming that the mob
next door raped your wife and stole all your worldly possessions. It wasn't
until 20 minutes into the game that you remembered you weren't married.
- NSW State
of Origin rugby league coach Phil Gould in explaining how he mainly focused
on tactics in his pre-game talk and this was much different to what was the
case in his playing days (2003).
The referee's
trying to separate them apart.
- Melbourne
based boxing commentator Ron Casey and his attempt to ‘mangle' the spoken word.
He is also been know to suggest that, “He went down in a hail of leather.”
After a
two-week break some teams are like rusty gates and fail to fire.
- Rugby league
commentator Rex Mossop and his one of his predictions for a team. He also observed,
“He seems to have suffered a groin injury at the top of his leg.”
Needless
to say if the King won, which he did on more than eighty two per cent of occasions
over a seventeen year career, he was treated very well. The paddock was his
to loll about in for nearly a month with every form of sexual whim gratified
and all dietary needs catered for. If he lost, he would work underground in
the Genders coal mine in Lithgow dragging a slag in skips for a few weeks to
cool his heels.
- ‘Training
Rooting King,' by Roy Slaven in Great Australian Bites (1997). ‘Rampaging'
Roy outlining the career of his ‘horse' Rooting King.
As far
as I know he was the first cyclist to learn to do the trick, and it made front
page news. The sophisticated French loved him for it.
- Alf Stumbles,
colleague of champion cyclist Hubert Opperman, on the ability of ‘Oppy' to relieve
himself while riding his bike.
One of
the only ‘grabs' that made the news was a quick reference to the likely size
of the crowd: ‘Yeah, 10,000 people—20,000 heads.' Tasmanians were furious. Hookes
was jeered and one T-shirt at the match countered: ‘Two heads are better than
half a brain f***wit.'
- Reporter
Jim Tucker recounting a story concerning former Test cricketer David Hookes
knows the power of the media being selective. When captaining South Australia
in Hobart during a ‘one-dayer,' he gave a wide-ranging interview to ABC TV.
What do
they do when a police horse drops his donger and unloads a gallon or two? Fine
the horse?
- Ted Whitten,
Australian Rules football legend in a comment after Fremantle player Scott Watters
was fined $750 for taking a break of nature on the ground during a match. When
once asked about his worst performance Whitten replied, “I never had one.”
A couple
of years ago, outside a church in Hawthorn, the vicar had posted a notice saying:
‘What would you do if God came to Hawthorn today? A graffitist had written underneath
it: ‘Move Peter Hudson to centre half-forward.' The colleague who reported that
to me said: “When I tell the story outside Hawthorn, they say, ‘Who's Peter
Hudson?' but when I tell the story in Hawthorn they say, “Who's God.?”
- Historian
Ian Turner in his 1978 Ron Barassi Memorial Lecture. Peter Hudson was a legendary
Hawthorn AFL player.
They're
hard to beat anywhere, but up here, in front of their crowd, they seem to lift
a leg.
- Did he mean
grow a leg? Wests Tigers rugby league coach Terry Lamb was referring to the
difficulty in defeating the Brisbane Broncos at home (2001). Lamb was in line
for the “Carrot at the End of the Rainbow Award.” This was named after rugby
league player, Benny Elias, who in a ‘famous' remark exclaimed, “That's the
carrot at the end of the rainbow.”
Driver
Ken Belford crouches low in the sulky, breaking wind!
- Broadcaster
Terry Spargo in a call at the Redcliffe trots in the 1980s. He was referring
to wind resistance.
No use
calling for the spray that time.
- Cricket
commentator Richie Benaud's reference to a batsman's plight after being struck
by a ball in the groin.
If Lazo
had been a union player the brick would have had to be held upright.
- Brisbane
rugby union legend Chris Handy on an advertisement which featured Broncos rugby
league player Glenn Lazarus, holding a brick in front of his genitals (1995).
Lazarus was given the nickname of ‘Brick with eyes' by commentators Roy and
H.G.
I guess
you've shown your knockers?
- Commentator
Kerryn Pratt comment to a far-from-topless swimmer Julie McDonald. The question
was to intended to refer to criticism of her performances.
You bastard,
you're making a fortune out of me!
- Rugby League
player Dennis Manteit to fellow player John Raper. Reports of the 1966-67 Kangaroo
tour of Great Britain referred to a player walking down the streets of Leeds
late at night wearing nothing but a bowler hat. It was incorrectly attributed
to Raper who later used the notoriety in various advertisements.
Bill, I'm
not sure who the big fat bloke with the ball is. Ask Jim when he gets back after
the game.
- A sports
photographer's note to a sub-editor regarding a photograph taken during a Rugby
Union game in Brisbane which appeared as the caption in the paper the next day.
I didn't
need to have a shower after the game because no one tackled me.
- Light-hearted
comment by Australian rugby league captain Andrew Johns after Australia defeated
Great Britain 64-10 in a test match in 2002.
I hope
it doesn't interfere with the electronic scoreboard.
- Cheeky comment
by the poolside announcer when describing the achievement of 101 year old swimmer
Mary Maina who was the sole competitor in her age bracket for the 50 metre sprint
at the World Masters Games (Brisbane) in 1994. Mary swam with the aid of a pacemaker
and took over 5 minutes to complete two laps of the pool.
I thought
with my melon today. The captain thinks my bowling is like rice.
- Cricketer
Darren Lehman, whose team mates bet him he could not use the words melon and
rice in his acceptance of a Man of the Match award.
Ladies
and gentlemen, I don't know if I'm going mad but the scratched horse is running
fourth.
- Racecaller,
Joe Brown, after a horse who was apparently scratched [withdrawn] from a race
actually started.
I've had
a pretty unrewarding six days and the bottom line is that it's been a pain in
the neck or rather a pain in the bum, but now I'm here my tail is up and I'm
ready for the Test.
- Cricketer
Matthew Hayden making fun of the situation despite being the subject of jokes
following two operations for haemorrhoids prior to the Third Test against England
at Perth 2002.
And there
it is, the most recognisable symbol in world sport: the four Olympic rings.
- Ann Sanders
in a comment which comes up short of rings (1998).
If I fell
into a bucket of nipples, I'd probably come out sucking my thumb.
-
AFL commentator and former player Sam Newman after being run over by his girlfriend
(1998).
I don't
mind the pigeon droppings on my head as they make it look as if I have more
hair.
- Rugby
league great Wally Lewis on a bronze statue of him in Brisbane (1990s).
Make love
to the first thing that moved.
- Australian
fast bowler Dennis Lillee when once asked what he would do if he only had 20
minutes to live. When the same question was then asked of his opening partner
Jeff Thomson he replied, “I wouldn't move for half and hour.”
Rivalry
Two
Australians boarded a flight out of Sydney after a rugby game. One sat in
the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off,
a New Zealander got on and took the aisle seat. After take-off, the Kiwi
kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie
in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."
"No
problem," said the Kiwi, "I'll get it for you."
While
he was gone, one of the Aussie's picked up the Kiwi's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks
good, I think I'll have one too."
Again,
the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie
picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the Kiwi returned to his seat,
they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the
Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How
long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This
animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?"
- A joke
that highlights the rivalry that has traditionally been a part of sporting
contests between New Zealand and Australia.
The
average weekend schedule in an Aussie man's life is as follows: Get up, have
breakfast, check TV guide for sports coverage; wash car whilst listening to
radio; mow lawn with walkman on; drive kids to football and stand on sideline
yelling out what he'd do if he had any sporting ability; and then take the
wife to the fruit and veggie market and sit in the car and listen to the races.
He'll arrive home in time for the television coverage of at least two football
games on two different stations, so he'll put new batteries in the remote.
- Anita Heiss
in Sacred Cows (1996).
In the
racket of daily life, in the traffic jam or the kitchen, cricket commentators
are better than Valium. I mean that in the nicest way. They calm you down, they
centre you.
- Adele Horin
in the Sydney Morning Herald (1994).
No twenty
minutes of your life will go faster than when you are broadcasting a slab of
cricket. It is the immersion factor; you suddenly become part of the game. I
have always said in some mundane existence, a day can seem like a year but when
you are looking at the field of battle in cricket, time flies.
- Jim Oliver,
ABC cricket commentator (2002).
Gold! Gold
to Australia! Gold!
- ABC commentator
Norman (‘Nugget') May call when Australia won the men's 4 x 100 metre medley
relay at Moscow (1980).
It's all
happening!
-
Cricket commentator, Bill Lawry, and one of his favourite expressions.
An occasion
on which I am very, very proud to be an Australian.
- Commentator
Norman May after Dawn Fraser won a gold medal at the Tokyo Olympics for the
100 metres freestyle. It was her third consecutive Olympics in which she had
won this event (1964).
Roy and
HG are different. They are just two blokes who love talking rubbish about sport,
and what could be more Australian than that?
- Comment
about ‘Roy' and ‘H.G.' of The Dream TV program held each night of
the Sydney 2000 Olympics and which introduced Fatso the Wombat mascot, the ‘Battler's
Prince,' to the world.
I rowed
Billy Goggin, the coach of Geelong , across the Barwon River in a bath tub,
and we had 7000 people there. I'm quite sure that people still see the funny
side of sport. Sport, basically, to my way of thinking, is having fun. I know
that, participants and the administrators that run football haven't got much
of a sense humour. In the course of having fun, if money comes along, then that's
a bonus.
- Lou Richards
former AFL player and commentator. Richards attempted a balance between entertaining
and informing, “I think if you go overboard, then all you worry about is your
own personality and you tend to overlook the game. There have been dares that
I've done in the course of my commentary.”
Hanging
like grandma's teeth.
Pulling
like a Collins Street dentist.
Carrying
enough bandage to start their own field hospitals.
[He said
one tout had] More tips than a can of asparagus.
- A selection
of expressions by race-caller Bert Bryant. He usually concentrated on ‘colourful'
calls.
Anything
can happen.
- A favourite
saying of Australian radio commentator, A.G. Moyes.
He can't
get out of it - he can't get out of it - he's out
of it.
Norman McCance
radio wrestling commentator from the 1920's.
It's long
... it's high ... it's straight between the posts.
- Frank Hyde,
Rugby League commentator and his famous catch-cry. This was supposedly invented
after a conversation with a blind man who wanted to hear a description of the
kicks for goal. In his book, Straight Between the Posts Hyde said,
“The only time I ever attempted a goal, the damned thing went way under the
crossbar. The soccer mob would have been proud of me.”
Never run
up steps, never fish from rocks, never lay odds-on.
Heads are
up and heads are down - PHOTO - but it's London to a brick on that Dark Marne
has won.
- A couple
of expressions by race caller ‘Magic Eye' Ken Howard.
That finish
was as close as a boarding house scrape of butter.
That
finish was as close as a housing commission coat of paint!
- John Tapp
race broadcaster (1990s).
It's Rugby
League football ... the greatest game of all.
- ‘Signature'
of Brisbane rugby league commentator George Lovejoy.
Dressed
in Canadian jackets and long hair, the backwoodsmen from Warragamba Dam
roared obscenities at the Great Man as he alighted from his chopper. Resembling
a casting call for a remake of Deliverance [the movie] and leaning unhinged
from car doors they yelled, “How many mistakes are you going to make today,
you bloody silvertail?”
- George
Parsons in and paper titled, ‘Capitalism, Class and Community: Civilising
and Sanitising the People's Game.' He was recounting how Penrith rugby league
supporters – so called working class ‘westies'[western suburbs dwellers] –
showed their displeasure for the ‘Brookvale BMW set' [Manly rugby league supporters]
by abusing television commentator and former Manly player Rex Mossop when
he alighted from a helicopter to call a Penrith home match in 1988. Mossop
was known for his occasional ‘stuff-ups' while commentating.
Played
strong! Done fine!
- Rugby League
coach and commentator Jack Gibson describing a player's performance.
He had
less chance than a crippled prawn in a flock of seagulls.
- Boxing commentator
Merv Williams on the performance of an outmatched fighter (1940s).
The commentator
who stands knee-deep in betting slips and Styrofoam cups at the end of a hard
day at the office will not, you will find, be too fussed about linguistic identity.
He will, however, embody it for all time, in spite of any truculent passivity
from the audience or any trend to bland internationalism by his producers. The
fact that all the television commentators are ex-players and all the radio ball-by-ballers
are not suggests a gulf that can only be good for Australia 's identity in both
cricket and comedy. Commercial global homogeneity remains the enemy of all forms
of entertainment.
- The
Oxford Companion to Australian Cricket (1996).
But it
must be said there is something incomparably soothing about cricket on the radio
… Listening to cricket on the radio is like listening to two men sitting in
a rowing boat on a large, placid lake on a day when the fish aren't biting;
it's like having a nap without losing consciousness. It actually helps not to
know quite what's going on. In such a rarefied world of contentment and inactivity,
comprehension would become a distraction.
- Bill Bryson
in Down Under (2000).
In a country
which, from the beginning of white settlement, sport has been not merely a passion
but part of the social and political fabric … it is remarkable how little really
great sports writing we have produced … sort in Australia has never been seen
as intellectually or artistically respectable.
- Brian Matthews
in The Australian's Review of Books (1998).
Born
to Sport. Forced to work.
- T-shirt
slogan (2000).
Who'll
take a glove?
- Touring
boxing promoters saw a market potential in taking boxing to the agricultural
shows. After a boxing career Jimmy Sharman (83 wins out of 84 fights) became
famous for his travelling tent shows, Jimmy Sharman's Boxing Troupe (begun in
1912).
When The
Flag Drops, The Bullshit Stops.
- Former Formula
One racing car driver Jack Brabham comment on what should have been the title
of his biography. It was called When the Flag Drops .
She'll
be right mate!
- The ‘typical'
Australian attitude which is transferred to sport in contradictory ways.
Chewy [chewing
gum] on your boot!
- An Australian
sporting expression. Often said by spectators - usually younger ones - when
a football player of the opposing team is lining up a shot at goal.
‘Carn the
Tigers.
- Melbourne,
Australian Football expression: ‘Come on the Tigers.' [Richmond Australian Football
Club]
Further
back than Walla Walla .
- This was
an expression based on champion pacer Walla Walla (1930s) who gave up long starts
in races and still won many of them.
- The wording
of a 'cheeky' placard planned by a Sydney brothel to greet arriving 2003 Rugby
World Cup players and fans.
He's
Out
- Newspaper
headline after the dismissal of Don Bradman for 334 runs at Headingley, Leeds
on July 10, 1930
He's
Dead
- Newspaper
headlines announcing the death of legendary racehorse Phar Lap in USA who died
in the American spring of 1932.
It's okay
because we had a beer later.
- A sport
cover-all line to explain away some doubtful practices (such as sledging) on
the sporting field.
You
beauty!
- Australia
II's victory in the 1983 America 's Cup.
- Newspaper
headline in The Daily Telegraph after jockey Glen Boss won the 2003
Melbourne Cup on Makybe Diva.
Paint ‘em
black and send ‘em back!
- Demonstrators
chant during the controversial 1971 Springbok Rugby Tour of Australia. Queensland
Premier, Joh Bjelke-Petersen, declared a State of Emergency in Queensland.
I've never
heard of it.
-
A comment on drawing a long shot for the Melbourne Cup in an office sweep.
Viv
[Richards] whacks, Greg quacks.
- Cricket
banner displayed during a lean batting period for Australia's Greg Chappell
against the West Indies in the early 1980s. He scored 6 ducks over a number
of one-day and test match innings.
Change
your boot!
Saw your
leg off!
- Australian
football derisive calls to a player who has missed an easy kick at goal.
She'll
be on again next year for sure!
- Often used
comment about many types of events, mainly sporting.
The language
of sport is a rich part of Australian popular culture. It has intruded so effectively
into all aspects of Australian cultural life, none more so than politics, that
few people notice its extent.
- Richard
Cashman, Paradise of Sport: the rise of organised sport in Australia
(1995).
The favourite
is a heck of a long way back and seeing more tales [tails] than Hoffman [from
Hoffman's Tales].
- Race caller
Bert Bryant concentrated on colourful calls, with sayings like ‘hanging like
grandma's teeth,' and ‘pulling like a Collins Street dentist.'
"It's
long enough...it's high enough...it's straight between the posts!"
- Frank Hyde,
Rugby League commentator for 40 years. This was the famous signature of his
broadcasts.
“How big's
ya dick?”
In Australian
Football the goal umpire uses a double-fingered signal to indicate that a goal
has been scored. This call is sometimes used by sections of the crowd as the
umpire is signalling. Occasionally it is followed by the call of "Bull****,
Bull****!"
He's gone
in a bit high and got him right round the Gregory Peck.
- Paul ‘Fatty'
Vautin with a rhyming slang description of a tackle in a rugby league game around
a player's neck. Gregory Peck was a Hollywood actor.
There are
three evils in the world: Communism, rugby league and the Christian Brothers.
- Jesuit brother
at Marist College in Brisbane (1988). He was a Rugby advocate and unhappy that
the Christian Brothers at another school voted against his school from being
allowed entry into the GPS (Great Public Schools) competition.
The
sad thing [was that] ... the Australian arts community in general - unlike
the American one - has tended to resent and reject sport, to write little
about it, and to exclude it from its imagery.
- Novelist
Thomas Keneally who has also noted that “The arts and sports are akin in many
aspects — in both, talent expresses itself through instinct rather than through
rational thought. Both of them, at their best, possess an unconscious yet divine
grace.”
Art through
the ages has been more admired than sport, and so it should be. Dogs and horses
can run and jump.
- Radio ‘guru'
John Laws (1990s).
Australian
mass culture has long dominated over high culture and the life of the mind.
Throughout Australian history, intellectuals and creative artists have fought
an uphill battle against the instinctive and pervasive anti-intellectualism
of the Australian nation. … Australian culture seems destined to remain firmly
fixed in its historical paradigm as an essentially recreational society.
- Ex-patriot
United States of America academic David Mosler in Australia, the Recreational
Society (2002).
Photo journalism
and sporting art, along with artefacts like costumes, memorabilla, programs
and souvenirs created powerful and attractive symbols which incorporated sporting
values, extended the meaning of play and enhanced the appeal of games.
- Richard
Cashman in the Paradise of Sport: the rise of organised sport in Australia
(1995).
Sporting
Poetry and Songs
He
held the bat the wrong side out, and Johnson with a grin
Stepped
lightly to the bowling crease, and sent a ‘wobbler' in;
McDougal
spooned it softly back, and Johnson waited there,
But McDougal,
crying ‘Fetch it!' started running like a hare.
Molongo
shouted ‘Victory! He's out as sure as eggs,'
When Pincher
started through the crowd, and ran through Johnson's legs.
He seized
the ball like lightning; then he ran behind a log.
And McDougal
kept on running, while Molongo chased the dog!
- Extract
from How MacDougal Topped the Score by Thomas E. Spencer.
Now my
readers can imagine how the contest ebbed and flowed,
When the
Geebung boys got going it was time to clear the road;
And the
game was so terrific that ere half the time was gone
A spectator's
leg was broken - just from merely looking on.
For they
waddied one another till the plain was strewn with dead,
While the
score was kept so even that they neither got ahead.
And the
Cuff and Collar Captain, when he tumbled off to die,
Was the
last surviving player - so the game was called a tie.
- Extract
from The Geebung Polo Club by A.B. Paterson.
We were
challenged by the Dingoes – they're the pride of Squatter' Gap –
To a friendly
game of football on the flat by Devil's Trap.
And we
went along on horses, sworn to triumph in the game,
For the
honour of Gyp's Diggings, and the glory of the same.
- A Friendly
Game of Football by Edward Dyson.
In there
and fight,
Out there
and at ‘em,
Show ‘em
you're right,
Up there
Cazaly,
Don't let
‘em in,
Fly like
an angel,
You're
out there to win.
- Michael
Brady's 1979 song ‘Up there Cazaly' was a chant used by South Melbourne fans
to urge their star player of the 1920s to take a mark. Ruckman Fred Fleiter
first used the phrase. Roy Cazaly was to explain, ‘We used to nominate who was
going for the ball. With a kick coming from either end, Tandy would take the
short ones, Fleiter the middle length ones, and I the long ones. When I was
to go, Fleiter would yell, ‘Up there Cazaly' and up I'd go. Then the crowd began
to catch on to the system and they'd yell the same thing.'
Oh! I made
a hundred in the backyard at Mum's
I clobbered
and I crunched every fabulous run
I toiled
and I sweated and when the day was done
I'd made
a hundred in the backyard at Mum's
- Ian McNamara
in a song about backyard cricket (1990s).
“Who is
it that all Australia raves about?
Who has
won our very highest praise?
Now is
it Amy Johnson or little Mickey Mouse?
No it is
just a country lad who is bringing down the house
And he
is our Don Bradman . . .”
- Jack O'Hagan
song, ‘Our Don Bradman.'
A cricket'in
legend, all-Australian boy
A real
blokes bloke,
And we
all loved him for it
But he's
got a super problem
And it's
affected his game
So Warnie
put your wanger [penis] away
War-nie,
put your wanger away
That pecker's
gonna get into trouble one day
You stick
to the cricket
I'll do
the root'in for Australia
Warnie,
put your wanger away
Mate, Warnie,
put your wanger away
- Part of
a Kevin ‘Bloody' Wilson ‘send up' of cricketer Shane Warne. Warne's career was
dogged by controversies in his cricket and private life. This song came after
allegations of affairs with a South African lady and a stripper in Melbourne
(2003).
A
few blokes decided to play cricket. I said, “Let WOMBAT and TENTERFIELD,”
and they said I should bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I
suggested a game of cards. I said to Lyptus, “You wanna game of EUCALYPTUS?”
He
said, “There's no point mate, DARWINS every time.
- Extract
from the Austen Tayshus hit spoken word single Australiana (1980s)
which used a play on words familiar to most Australians.